hard in the paint

one of these beasts is christina aguilera

a.

b.

c.

d.

answer: c

discount handjobs

half off.

google "gay asian"

I think that's PEDRO

cheryl stop reading my blog

i'm going to translate what girls say into english:

my friend is cute you should meet her = my friend is not a man

i'm not mad = suck your own penis

i used to play varsity = i know what a ball looks like... i think

i'm getting so fat = please compliment me

let me get ready = disregard the schedule you were keeping, im going to waste time in front of a mirror

i've never tried that before = i'm filthy and i do it all the time

megan fox is not that pretty = i'm a fucking retard

ja-gee-yah, sa-rang-hae = you have free reign to bukkake on me

...

asian female rapper check list:

1. ridiculous fake chain

2. track jacket with adidas stripes

3. horse hair

4. down syndrome eyes

5. skills on the mic

ooooohhh... so close, but you don't make the cut. 4 out of 5 aint bad.

blucka blucka, yo who's calling bluff?

the whole time the wyclef's "staying alive" remix was playing in the background.

devolution is real

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too soon?

uncircumcised.

when the nipples are camo you know someone has fully evolved.

she went from charmander to charmeleon. (pokemon reference, CHECK)

this bizhoe is either clinically retarded or leaking this shit herself.

skull fuckery.

Confucius say: "have you ever had something that you've never had?/ i gotta have it so i gotta give it all i have/"





bad doesn't begin to describe this body of work. aspiring musicians here are a few rules to live by:
1. video hoes should not resemble transvestites unless you're trying to corner a very particular market
2. adding superfluous black people in the background does not actually give you street cred.
3. don't dance-- trust me on this.
4. read operating manual for fog machine before cameras are rolling
5. if your polo is a small but your fitted cap is an 8 1/2, you might not belong on camera.
6. dont be a musician

dcho rants

... fucked up.

iphone hack.

like... word. fuck chinks.

devolution is real.

i'm pretty sure hmong people are just filipinos from 20 years ago.

inappropriately insensitive.

respect.

DJ Premier vs. Pete Rock: Round 1 (FULL) from AlohaServedDaily on Vimeo.

best episode of no reservations, ever.

hands down, the best episode. its rare to see tony touch on all of the pillars of tv greatness: street meats, awkward silence, weird post cold war cultural skull fuckery, unique ethnic diasporatic shit, karaoke, gnarly teeth, and russian hookers.

touche.

still crack.

if anyone has a navy "brooklyn" shirt, give it to me... now.

i am not a robot

every once in a while people ask me for a track list for the skulldugga mixtape i put out last xmas. well... FUCK YOU.

this was on the mix-- you can figure out the rest.

i heart japan

werd?

earlsweatshirt

sunday sheit.

wisdom

grandma once told me "if she makes you laugh, you've found a friend. if she makes you cry, you've found the one."

fuck kind of fortune cookie bullshit is that? if she makes you cry from a really sweet bj, then right on grandma. but if the context of you crying is because she cut off your penis in your sleep, then i'm pretty sure grandma doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about.

decree

we shall democratically vote on the following:

* how many sexual partners qualifies you as a filthy skank?

note: the kardashian family and the cast of jersey shore will not be allowed to vote in fear that they may skew the numbers.

i am christopher lambert

by fortunate happenstance i've been afforded time to think about mortality and morality. many a night i lie in bed generally praying for the pain in my stomach to wane and my fever to give it a fucking rest for a sec so that i can relax the muscles between my temples for just the briefest of moments. and when that moment comes, so comes a lot of clarity. its in those moments that i've come to realize a simple truth. a truth so simple that its frighteningly puritanical. i can assure you from the sincerest bone (penis) in my body (oh what? its not a bone? yes it is...) that this in no way is meant sarcastically. simply put, here it is: PSSSST.... I'M PRETTY FUCKING SURE WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE SOON-- and not in an esoteric way. i mean... the end of the world is coming and its coming quick.

no, i don't have Ptolemaic evidence to impart. and this is not a joseph smith-- god just talked to me type of thing either. and no, its not a "damn i need to stop smoking weed while watching nicholas cage movies" thing either. its more of a tipper gore type thing-- conservative logic that kinda makes sense, but also kinda makes you want to push a sweet old lady down a flight of stairs-- sort of thing.

the crux of my argument is fairly simple: the truth is, as a society there is absolutely nothing sacred left to fuck with. and thus, morally we're all at the end of our proverbial rope. stay with me... so in my mind, i have an imaginary zen master and he tells me that when that ember burns out, the light of life will be swallowed by the darkness (its way deeper if you imagine david carradine is saying it to you.) deep down inside of me a part of me believes that morality is not a barometer of good or a relative gauge of what we think is wrong. in my mind morality is betwixt a stop watch and a really really comically long (like mission impossible intro long) lit fuse attached to a stick of dynamite. i realize this might be years of conditioning speaking. i am of course just a product of fire and brimstone pulpit-ing, TV, rap music, and high fructose syrup.

you may think that the existence of the human race and the social paradigm of morality are mutually exclusive and you very well may be right. but lets just err on the side of caution-- meaning let's assume pastor ben was right. if he WAS right, then... BOOMSKILLET-- dynamite all up in yo face. we just exploded.

lets say by now you are drinking the same kool-aid i am. we're on the same page on all the bullshit preceding this very sentence. you perused the words and you said to yourself... you know what... i'm okay with it. NOW, you may ask yourself, well, why does this man think we've reached the end of morality? my answer is this, think back to the very recent past; in many if not all things public there were very clear distinctions of what is considered taboo. swearing, religion, death, God, genitals, vomit, farts, black girls' hair-- all these things were a public no-no to fuck with. cut back to modern day, and look at yourself, with your pants around your ankles looking at some of the filthiest internet porn you've ever seen. race, sex, religion-- nothing is sacred. not even are your memories held sacred. watch as michael bay rapes your childhood-- am i right???????

so what do we do? honestly i dont know. i'm not saying we need to change anything. in fact, i'm kinda just like ehhhh fuck it. but i'm pretty sure that i would like to finally have sex before the end of the word comes.

that would be kinda sweet.

***update***

the drugs my doctor gave me make me very paranoid.

yamamean?

nomz

fat fuck says: italian beef, yes!

ghostface killah

easy

i lie... i can never do cappadonna's verse.... that fool does not rhyme any of his words.

werd?

dude makes John Galliano look like a lil bitch

give me the beiber up top and chewbacca on the sides.

taco night.

get em kane!