January 1, 2012.

I hope I'm not alone in feeling that today, January first in the year of two-thousand and twelve is the most depressing day in the history of the universe. In the fabric of space time continuum there is a dark spec that is today; a day void of any emotion nearing the realm of positive.
Granted, I am just returning from a funeral. The passing of my grandfather right between christmas and new year is already a mark against my credibility in accurately representing an unbiased account of the proximity of ephemeral etheral glee that may or may not exist according to who you may ask and whether he/she is a fan of Val Kilmer and how much so based on his religious beliefs. But I stand firm in my belief that today it the single most depressing day in the history of all existence.
Let us start in acknowledging today is both a holiday and a sunday. After experiencing christmas of 2011, which was exactly 7 days ago, the entire country should have all agreed that it must be amended into the constitution, ratified, passed, and whatever the fuck else has to happen happens so that a law to ban having holidays and sundays on the same fucking day n/ever* happen again


(pause for breath)

.

Well now here we are in 2012. An entire year wiser yet we still didn't learn from that tragic day back in the year of 2011, when the horrific "holiday on a sunday" calamity happened. We were unable to band together to overthrow the government. That government which was too slow; sloth-like in responding to the cries of the people. Unable to raise up and elect a single all powerful benevolent overlord to protect us from ever experiencing that holiday on a sunday disaster that we've established is the second largest affront (even fathomable) against our civil rights-- second only to holiday-crusader overlord I proposed at the beginning of this long ass mother fucking sentence maze that I've trapped you in.
It happened... again. Yes, today is both a Sunday and a Holiday. But that's not even the worst part of today. Today is a depressing day. I even feel sorry for a day like today. Today, I want to buy you a drink, bro. Don't get me wrong, Today. You did nothing wrong. In fact, Today, you were perfect. In fact, you were unseasonably pleasant. Today you were the perfect day-- right amout of breeze, perfect temperature, proper amount of clouds, a bare amount of humidity to keep the air moist enough for ease of breathing.
The thing is, today... NOBODY in the fucking world saw you. The entire collective of the human race slept in today. And why?????? BECAUSE A HOLIDAY CAN NEVER BE ON A SUNDAY! The entire world is taking a mulligan right now and you decided to be all amazing today and shit.
I will say to the guy that got up early today and went for a nice stroll or a jog up Runyon Canyon, "Good job, bro!" You should be our new leader or something bro. You want a job?


*an argument on the grammatical correctness of this clusterfuck of a sentence is also heavily weighed by the same Val Kilmer effect discussed heretofore.


Sincerely,
Doogie Howser, MD.






beeeee beee booo booo beee boooo beee beee booo boo beeeebooooo....