G.I. Joe Rise of the Cobra starring a bunch of no bodies, Jude Law's ex-bitch, Bugaloo from Above the Rim, Dragonheart (yeah I saw it), and some ching-chong opened this past weekend at $54 mil. I must say the movie was entertaining through and through. The action sequences are the archtypical graphics-on-crack for the post-Mtv, MLB 'Roid-head generation. The shots were blocked so that you can actually make sense of the blurring action as opposed to other carton inspired movies that have come out as of late. The movie itself minutely resembles the 80's toon. Well lets be honest, does anyone even remember what the fuck that show was about? The pieces I can put together in my head don't add up to a single plot. All I remember is blue lasers vs. red lasers, good vs bad, cobra vs. joe- the perfect dimorphic backdrop for a simplistic generation during a simplistic era. Those of us raised by our tv's, the latchkey kids of immigrant parents, were forced to learn their morals from the Joe's like it were Max Headroom meets Aesop's fables. And the moral-- "buy as many of our shitty toys as possible."
They were plastic man-parts held together at the groin by a rubberband for christ' sake. no homo.
But in this case no homo doesn't really apply. Why? Because everyone in the theater was gay. No joke. It was like a gay pride parade, but darker and with popcorn. Absolutely everyone was into the butt sex even the little gayby that was sitting next to me. Who knew that GI Joe had such an effect on the queer 80s babies? Maybe the cartoon has nothing to do with it. Maybe its was just a coinsidence. Afterall, it is LA. Maybe it was just the fact that it was a military themed movie with pecks, biceps and women that dress like dominatrixes at an s&m club.
The entire experience harkened back to growing up in the 80s. The nostalgia goes beyond a cartoon and some toys. It goes deeper. Its like growing up loving Erasure only to find out "YO THAT NIGGA'S GAY!"
"HOW DID I MISS THAT?"
The moral is-- you got red lasers and you got blue lasers, but its more complicated than that.
YO JOE!
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