She immed me out of the blue-- asking me to look over her law school essay. I happily obliged because it is a pretty important step in one's life.
After the first paragraph it became apparent that death is sweet cuz life is often filled with non sequitur and run on sentences.
So here is her work-- my comments in the parenthesis in red.
< I immigrated to the United States when I was eight years old and have had the opportunity to be both a student in Korea and in the United States. This experience allowed me to possess an outsider’s (outsider is a pejorative term. “Outsider” is not a benefit but an expression of juxtaposition. Outsiders are irrelevant; you want a term that expresses your unique experience while still being occidental-- unless you are Ralph Macchio, Matt Dillon, Swayze or any other cast member of the 1983 hit movie "The Outsiders". Use a synonym.)perspective. When I first arrived I was immersed into a completely new and foreign land (redundant and expository; not needed). Not knowing the language and needing to start over was a daunting challenge, which I conquered and have found shaped my life up to this point (dangling modifier; not needed). Through my experience as a young (not needed--this is gonna be really really painful to sit through) student in the United States, I have come to the conclusion I want to become the voice for those who do not have a voice (redundant) and I know law school will help me achieve that goal. Your thesis statement is hearsay-- weak. You should rework your entire first paragraph.
As a child, there were countless moments when I felt like I was the only one not included in the joke (colloquial expression, don’t speak metaphorically). These moments made me wary and cautious to every waking moment (same). When I was the subject of racism (strange transition—again, drawing parallelism between a joke and racism is not very intelligible), I developed a social phobia (flash term, not very strong) and began to keep only to myself (verb conjugates into a faulty parallel. Develop :developed:: keep: kept; past participle). I started to think that something was hideously (colloquialism- use proper adverbs to show you know how to use the English language) wrong with me on the outside (unclear) and I began to wish I had never come to the United States. This led to temper tantrums about going to school where I would cry and tell my parents, “I don’t want to go,” but I’m glad they would make me attend and not have any of my foolishness (run on sentence).
At school, I felt (wow, as opposed to actually facing racism)I constantly faced racism, like I looked at the whole world from the outside in (poor parallelism, racism and looking in has no correlation—at least not one that is obvious or that you have explained). From my anger at the racism I faced, I honed my school work with a fierce vengeance (use vengeance properly or don’t use it at all). My struggles also (modifiying preposition means this sentence is supplemental, but the sentence previous has no correlation) triggered my need to succeed. Instead of quitting, I forged ahead despite overwhelming emotions and soon everything began to click (rephrase, this isn’t a good sentence—I can’t even begin to tell you why).
First, I overcame the language barrier as I began to understand my teachers and classmates (filler sentence, redundant,exposition). In addition, (… get rid of it)I began to understand the shows on television. Getting over the first hurdle of a new language led me to the thrill of excelling in school (what? How?… why are you mentioning tv? Why are you going back to school and not explaining why or how? I think you just wasted the last 20 seconds of my life and I want them back).
After elementary school, I won myself (are you sure you overcame your language barrier? This essay doesn’t seem to show it) a scholarship to a private middle school which continued into high school (the structure of this sentence is pretty painful to the eyes). It felt nice to know that I surpassed my competition (wow… think of a different word its ambiguous) and I was the one to receive such an honor (redundant). The excitement soon began to fade though (wow are you serious? I hope you know why this is wrong) when school started (you lost me) as I found the majority of my peers’ abilities (are they super heroes?) outpaced my understanding because English was their first language. The other students who were similar to me (I thought you were telling my that your experience was unique) struggled too and I committed myself not to become part of this latter group (why are you bringing up a group of people that you are dismissing? Why are you talking about this latter group at all?). All jokes aside, I think you have plenty to fix already. I’ll stop righttttttttttt here.
I took every assignment more seriously than the one before (good for you… don’t care). I persisted and pushed myself (yeah I get it). Soon enough, I received the highest grades in my class, while my peers complained to the teacher openly about how impossible the assignments were (oooh good use of hyperbole… lawyers need to use more hyperbole… no they don’t. haha see what I did there. I just gave you a ‘PSYCHE!” a la 1989). I gave myself a silent pat on the back (read: punch in the face) and started to leave behind my feelings of racist ostracism (what is that? Is it like ‘sexist praise?’ and how does it become a feeling? I’m trying to remember, are you the racist or is everyone else? This sentence is like a rubix cube). I began to learn I had a lot in common with my classmates who also sometimes felt different (as opposed to always feeling the same?) and began making friends. I also discovered I loved learning a new culture and that succeeding in academics thrilled me. (Really? I ALSO DISCOVERED this essay is making me dumber)
As time went on I focused my abilities and went out of my comfort zone to share my culture with others (what does your culture have to do with this essay? What culture is that anyways? Does it involve cannibalism? It must-- the way you’re chewing my heart out right now). I felt that sharing my culture was a first step to acceptance and tolerance (can a get a witness! AMEN!). I led by example by standing up for myself and others. I know there is a vast majority of people who seek a confidant voice to communicate on their behalf and I want to be their advocate (I feel sorry for these people, not because their voice isn’t heard… but, because you are going to be their advocate).
My experiences as a young student in the United States gave me the courage to go to college (I was scared of college once… until I made it my bitch like a shower rape scene at the state pen) and strive to attend Law School (since these words are capitalized like a proper noun, I hope there is a school named ‘Law’ somewhere… only then will this make any sense). In the face of adversity, with newfound courage, I overcame feeling out of place in school (omg… this reminds me of my favorite Judy Bloom book, “Feeling Out of Place Made Me Want to Go to ‘Law School’ On My Period”) and triumphed over my own self-perceived viewpoint (i’m pretty sure that any view point categorized with “my” are usually “self-perceived”) that I was on the outside. My experiences has embedded a number of valuable lessons in me (I can tell). I learned to remain humble and to not let pride deter my path to my goals. I learned about resilience and being steadfast in the face of adversity (didn’t Frodo say that to Samwise in Lord of the Rings?). I also became more grounded and empathetic as a result of my experiences (was this learned as well? Or just happen out of the blue?). I only look to conquer what I set out to achieve (imagine that. Conquering something you set out to achieve as opposed to something you didn’t set out to achieve outright). I know all of these qualities will help me excel in the study of law (for some reason I doubt it). The formation of my new work ethic and mindset has surpassed beyond my academic areas of my life and even relationships (oh lord! I my heart goes out to your boyfriends—past, present, and doubtfully future).
Although law is a daunting subject I will endeavor (good choice, thesaurus.com should cut you a check) to understand and interpret it for others. By getting my law degree I will be fulfilling my goal to help fellow immigrants break the language barrier (I don’t see how, but okay). When I see people unable to stand up for themselves, I feel the need to speak on their behalf because I know what it feels like for them (for them? so you know how to feel for other people?). Through my experience, I’ve come to the conclusion international law is where I can make the most impact. Law school is the perfect beginning and the paved path of guidance (?) as I delve into a new chapter of my life (… in the book of failure.)>>
All jokes aside-- I really like homegirl. Atleast she is trying to do something with her life. I respect that.
The lesson learned here is I'm a dickhead and you don't want me to review your work-- ever.
Shit, I only post this crap cuz I know she's cool like that... and she'll probably have something equally as dickheaded to say back to me. Plus no one reads my blog except me and that one IP from the Netherlands-- I think he was googling "nerd and porn" and landed here.
